You can’t pursue personal growth goals and leadership development if you aren’t willing to receive feedback. You know this. And while I think a lot of us know that feedback (or constructive criticism) can be good, we struggle to actually hear the feedback and receive it for what it is – a generous gift.

This is particularly true if you’re the leader of an organization or team because 1) it’s more likely that you’re in the habit of giving feedback than receiving feedback and 2) most of the time when we ask our team for feedback, we’re not being fully honest with ourselves. We think we are doing the right thing by asking for feedback (because everyone knows good leaders solicit feedback), but how we ask for it often subtly… or not so subtly…. communicates that we just want to hear the good stuff.

Think about when you ask for feedback. What words do you use? Are you asking leading questions? Are you asking for it in a way that encourages people to be totally honest? What is your reaction when you actually get the feedback? How do you respond?

Because for 99% of people, receiving feedback is hard! What we really want to hear are the nine things that we are doing awesome and just the one or two things that could use a little improvement. With those types of odds our ego is able to spin that list all sorts of ways until it ultimately concludes… I’m doing great. A little room for improvement, but overall, great! Nothing to look at here.

But trust me: doing more of the same isn’t going to get you to the next level when it comes to your business or personal growth goals. When you can ask for honest feedback, truly mean it, and then hear it – as in clearly see the gift embedded in it – you can start to make some radical shifts in your life and business.

Before I got really deep into spirituality, I was the type of person who would ask for feedback but didn’t really mean it. Like many of the executives, CEOs and leaders who I coach, I just wanted the good stuff. For instance, I gave a presentation a few years ago, and I can clearly remember going over the feedback provided by the audience in a survey that we sent out. Good. Good. Good. Really, I was looking for responses that validated what I did well. But the minute I read a piece of constructive criticism, it went straight to my ego. Bad. What bad? Why?! I was hooked by the negative feedback in an instant even though it was given with the best intentions and… I asked for it.

I started rationalizing why this person’s feedback was totally wrong. They didn’t understand me. They didn’t get my intent. They weren’t ready to hear what I had to say. My ego was pulling me into what I like to call a spiral of deception, giving me excuse after excuse to obscure the truth. This went on for weeks. I’d wake up in the morning and the feedback would pop into my head. I’d be driving in my car and that feedback would cross my mind out of thin air. The problem was that I was completely resisting it, not willing to look at the truth, and totally rejecting the criticism for what it was… an amazing gift. I asked for the feedback and then said “No, thanks” when it actually came time to receive it. The irony was that the more I resisted it, the more my ego struggled with it.

I realized that things had really changed for me recently when I gave another presentation, and you guessed it… asked for constructive feedback. Good. Good. Good. The normal scan. But then something different happened. Bad. Huh… 3-2-1 relax… And I relaxed behind the feedback before my emotional response could take over. I focused on hearing the feedback 100% objectively. And you know what? It turns out the person was right! The feedback wasn’t great and it could have hurt if I got swept up in the emotional response, but rather than getting hooked in the spiral of deception, I focused on the value of it. As a result, I am making updates to the presentations I’m planning in 2020 and switching things up. What a gift to have clear information about how I could better reach my full potential and ultimately give more to others!

A great first step for escaping this reactionary habit is to pay attention to your thoughts and acknowledge when you see the ego driving the show and making excuses. You can even take a moment to express gratitude for your ego trying to protect you. But then you have to relax behind the feedback and be willing to hear the truth. The more often you do this, the more often you can bring awareness to your reactionary thoughts, the more and more clearly you will start to hear the gifts being given to you.

Then, you can really start receiving feedback with consciousness and get extreme clarity on what to do with it. Whether the feedback is good or bad, you won’t internalize it or make it part of yourself. Good feedback won’t make you feel so high and bad feedback won’t make you feel so low. It will all be valuable information to help get you where you’re going. You will see it for the gift it is, allowing you to make the changes necessary to live a bigger life. Fair warning: this won’t happen overnight. In my case, it took a few years. But this is an important part of the road to self-mastery and leadership development. It all starts with asking for feedback and really meaning it.

Where have you been asking for feedback in your life but not really meaning it? I challenge you to go out today and ask for that feedback you’ve been resisting with 100% sincerity. Have you made the switch from reacting to feedback to relaxing into it? I’d love to hear what helped you make the switch. Comment below with what worked for you or tips you have for other people reading this blog.

Want more on this topic? Head on over to the podcast episode “Got Feedback? How to Consciously Give and Receive Feedback” to learn more about the value of feedback for leaders and teams.