At our last Project | U retreat on leadership and relationships, we asked participants to bring questions with them to workshop as a group. We knew this would be a powerful exercise since any time you have a group of leaders who are deeply committed to their personal growth, you’re going to get into some profound conversations. But leadership is a pretty broad topic, so anything could have really fit in. Overwhelmingly, we heard people asking questions that related back to one theme – how do I have deep and meaningful relationships? 

We heard questions like… 

How do I help my business partners decide if he/she wants to stay in this partnership?

How do I help this employee figure out if he/she is in the right role?

How do I make sure I’m supporting my spouse’s goals while I’m growing my business?

These are tough questions to grapple with, no doubt. But what makes them more challenging is that we struggle to actually support people because we have so much invested in the outcome of the relationship. We think we are connecting with people and offering them our undivided attention and support, but instead what we’re actually doing is listening to our own mind’s preferences for how the conversation and relationship should go. The longer we have been in a relationship with the person or the more we have invested in the relationship, the more challenging it is to truly support them. Why? Our ego is in a constant state of self-preservation (aka fear).

Our mind says…

What will happen if I say this? 

What if he/she responds this way? 

What if he/she leaves? 

What if…? What if…? What if….? 

Listen –  if you are thinking or trying to move the conversation in a certain direction as you are listening to someone, then you’re not being present with them. And if you’re not being present with them, then the truth is you’re not connecting with them. What you’re doing is simply listening for opportunities to push your conscious or unconscious agenda. I know that may be hard to hear but stay with me here. 

There’s no judgment in this. Everyone does this at times. I’ve done this. Growth happens in layers – like the peeling back of different layers of the onion – and, personally, this last layer was a powerful one when I realized that in order to truly support all the people in my life, I couldn’t just do it when it was convenient for me. Relationships aren’t about helping other people fit into the narrative of your life – it’s helping them figure out their own narrative and then supporting them in getting there. Yes, even when it makes you uncomfortable. 

So, how do you actually create deep and meaningful relationships?

To have deep and meaningful relationships, you have to have deep and meaningful conversations first. And in order to have deep and meaningful conversations, you have to be present with the individual you’re talking to. And that starts with loving yourself. 

Let’s break that down a little further:

• Unconditional self-love starts with accepting who you are. This means you don’t need any circumstance or anyone in your life to make you feel whole and complete. You know you are always whole and complete no matter what happens. 

• From there, you make peace with the outcome of the conversation – no matter what happens, it doesn’t matter because you are already whole and complete. If you know where you want the conversation to go, you will be trying to influence the other person instead of listening to them. But if you’ve made peace with the outcome, you have no agenda and you can be totally present. 

• Then you start to have deep and meaningful conversations with people in your life as the opportunities present themselves. Every conversation doesn’t need to be deep and meaningful, but the other person has to feel like you have a genuine investment in their lives. That’s not just something you can say. They actually have to get the sense – the feeling – of it. 

• When you do this over time, your home and workplace become safe spaces where people can open up and be their authentic selves. As you become less fearful, they become less fearful (i.e., self-leadership precedes leadership). Then you have created the space for deep and meaningful relationships that are the norm in your life. 

The truth is we all want deeper connections in our lives. The desire for fulfillment at work and at home is driven by a yearning to be totally authentic in all that we do. In allowing others to be their own authentic selves, you’ll find you’ve also created the space for you to do the same. And operating from a place of complete authenticity is at the heart of what true leadership is all about.

What does having deep and meaningful relationships at work and home look like to you? Let us know in the comments below. You can also learn more about this topic in the podcast episode, How to Have Deep & Meaningful Conversations at Work & Home.

Are you ready to take your leadership to the next level and start leading at work and home from a place of absolute presence? If so, Project | U can help get you there. Email Hallie at hallie@adamhergenrother for more details.