If you’re a manager or leader, you will have difficult conversations with employees. There’s no escaping it. Here are the steps you can take to make sure you’re leading your employees through challenging conversations and to a positive solution.

A couple weeks ago, an employee came to me with the question, “How come I didn’t get that promotion?” And man, it immediately hit my stuff! The more I thought about it, the more fired up I became. Now I’ve done enough personal growth work to know that when my mind and emotions start reeling, it’s an indicator that I have inner work to do. I know that if I’m getting triggered, it’s my soul’s way of telling me “Go deeper. There’s more to learn here.”

So I immediately knew that I could not have a conversation in that state and asked if I could take some time to think about it and get back to this individual in a few days. It happened to be a Friday, so that gave me the weekend to really reflect on the situation and do the work I needed to do in order to get a handle on my thoughts and emotions.

Ultimately, I learned a lot from this experience that can be applied to all sorts of difficult conversations with employees. The goal is getting extreme clarity so you can lead the other through the experience. As Brené Brown, author of Dare to Lead, often says, “Clarity is kind.” Often difficult conversations at work are a minefield of emotions for everyone involved, but as the leader, it’s your job to step up and guide the others through that minefield so that you all make it to the other side safely and you are a stronger team as a result. Here are the four steps to get the clarity you need.

Step 1 – Set Boundaries

As I mentioned, I knew I could not have that conversation immediately. Do not – I repeat – do not ever enter into a difficult conversation with an employee before you’ve had time to reflect on it and you feel entirely clear about the situation. And I use “clear” not just meaning mental clarity but also unemotionally attached… clear in the sense that you can think of the situation and not feel emotionally triggered by it. If you’re feeling your emotions or thoughts rise up and snowball in many directions, you are not clear. So first set the boundary so that you can clean your inner house.

And if it’s a situation that needs to be addressed immediately (because some conversations must be had immediately), use 3, 2, 1… Relax, another breathing technique or do a quick 20-minute meditation to center yourself. Once you’re centered, then have your meeting.

Step 2 – Remember That It’s Not Personal

This employee has been with me for many years and we’ve been through a lot together. At first it was really challenging for me not to take the question personally. My ego wanted to spin that story into a nasty web of “who done it?” – or really “who is wrong?” And with my ego running the show, obviously the answer wasn’t me! But I’ve learned through personal development work and meditation that ultimately no experience is personal. There are a million – no, a trillion or more things – that must happen for any moment to come into fruition and be exactly as it is. Michael Singer (author of one of my favorite books, The Surrender Experiment), describes this experience beautifully. Even though our egos may want to make a situation all about us, the wiser part of us knows that no moment is truly personal.

Step 3 – Let Go of the Part of You That Wants to Be Right

Let’s be honest… no matter how much inner work we’ve done, it can still be very hard to let go of the part of us that wants to be right. So this step is very important, and I use the technique “3-2-1… Relax” to let go of the part of me that is insisting on being right. I count down from three and then relax behind the emotions. I often even silently say to myself “let go…” and use my breath to release the tension. Sometimes I may have to repeat this five, ten or twenty times, but ultimately, I’m able to let go of the need to be right if I’m truly committed to that goal. And as a leader, you have to be.

Look, if someone is bringing you a conflicting piece of information and you may not be right, then great, you just saved your company from potential risks – financial, reputational, morale, etc. And maybe you are right and your team members just validated your decision by asking questions and challenging your thinking. Ultimately, do you really want to be right or do you want what is best for the company?

Step 4 – Put Yourself in the Other’s Shoes

The old saying, “Don’t judge someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes” is really important here. The irony is that once you’ve walked a mile in someone else’s shoes, it’s pretty much impossible to judge. When I took this step, that’s when I got the extreme clarity I was looking for. As I viewed the situation through this employee’s eyes, the phrase “job vs. leadership” came to me, and I knew exactly how I needed to respond. In short, because I viewed the situation from his perspective, I was able to see the blind spot that led him to ask this question in the first place. He is doing an amazing job at his job. He is a total 10/10 when it comes to his day-to-day tasks. But what he wasn’t taking into account was his leadership skills. The conversation we needed to have was about how he’s closer to a 4/10 when it comes to leadership. That was something concrete that we could discuss and I could help with. With that, I not only found clarity, but compassion and a path forward that would help this individual grow.

And ultimately that is what being a leader is all about, right? Leading yourself first, so then you can go out and lead others through the experience of growing professionally and personally as well. It’s not always comfortable – in fact, true growth rarely is – but when you operate from behind your emotions, you often are able to find the clarity that will propel you and everyone on your team to grow.

Want to hear how the conversation went and what steps I took to make sure it went well? Head on over and take a listen to the podcast episode “How to Answer ‘Why Didn’t I Get That Promotion?’ With Clarity” where I dive into this topic in more detail.

Have you been in a similar situation and have takeaways that you want to share with others? Comment below. I’d love to hear your thoughts!